I guess having my final examination finished somehow makes me felt as though I'm blissfully blessed. It wasn't about I'm finally free from reading the goddamn thick sixth form books with things that have deep meanings and numerous mathematical question awaiting for my dreadfulness cry when I can't solve it, it was partly about I'm able to read some academic-non-related books, maybe some dramas and movies, most probably getting to meet up with friends and catch up with their current hectic lives. Most importantly, I get the time to sort my things, my thinking, and I really got the time to do what I wanna do which I had been unable to.


For instance, reading some books. I had finished a book in less than 48hours, and it touched my heart a bit like most of the books always did. It's Message in A Bottle by Nicholas Sparks. Yeah I think I'm somehow a fan of his now, I read almost half of his collection I guess. Some found it absolutely normal and predictable. Some found it bored them. Some found it heartbreaking. Some found it fascinating. I found them genuine. Unlikely for most of the dramatic romances, vampires, horrors, adventures, memoirs, they're simply an ordinary story, that indeed you can get a picture of it and touch your heart. Not a bad book to read though.


After all, I came back upon the topic of friends. Yes, I won't deny I have friends, true friends, real good friends but not bestfriend, not anymore. I'm definitely uncertain about loyalty and faith in relationship now. Insecurity? Nah, not an excuse for me. It always caught me thinking. Maybe what I'd read on magazines are right. I wasn't a great friend after everything I'd been through my high school years. I once thought I am a good companion, I enjoyed bringing laugh to people though most of the time it made a fool out of myself because no one actually find it funny, they still laugh for the sake of covering the awkwardness, I'd start to be the listener and talk less ever since.

My bestfriend, yes I do had one, no two but we kinda split so whatever it is now it doesn't matter anymore. She used to hide things from me, but she has the best reason for herself doing that, she tell people that I wouldn't understand what she's going through and she was willing to tell anyone but me. She thinks I'm just someone arrogant lad who hardly listen to her and don't give a damn on her but just to toy her around and she felt so left out whenever we're in groups with some other friends of ours. She simply think that I will never understand her sorrow, sadness, depression or whatever you call it for some negative thoughts about life. I loved her, I'm protective on my friends, I'm honest with them, I'm straightforwards, I'm mean and yes, that's what hurt her. She will never know I actually understand more than she did, and I thought we shared everything, but every time I have to find out something from others about her, I was finding excuses for her, simply I don't want to lose a friendship that I'd been cherishing for long time, and I saw us, three of us in the future. 

Well, now that we're split, the betrayal is an ugly truth that I don't bother to argue anymore. I do talk about this with some people, sound positively as if I was bitching, but I'd just frustrated and wanting to tell her I care. I tried to make it up but failed, she barely listened and I've left with no choice. She chosen to avoid me, join some other people, calling them her real friends, she walked out from my life and I was naive enough to think that she might come back but something happened later shattered my hope, it only proven me I was wrong to think that I'm actually bestfriend of hers, idiotic enough to think that I was wrong about what she thought, and generally, I'm nothing more than an overwhelming emotional burden to her.

I definitely don't beg for forgiveness, nor I expecting an apology, I don't even have a sheer of desire to have your sympathy, it sound like a humiliation for me and I appreciate it if you don't take this as I'm trying to gain attention by using my past. I never favour being popular nor I wanted to be, I don't create up stories and twist the stories. I'm just telling you a tale of mine, and it's highly unlikely you can be in my shoes because my life is ridiculously dramatic. That incident was a wound that's recovered, and the scar is very ugly, too ugly to be cover up and it hurts to touch it as though it's still bleeding. Yes, I'm stubborn, egoistic, protective and human. It's way passed the time for anger, it's way pass the time to blame who's wrong, we had hurt each other badly and there's no turning back, not in the past nor in the future. It only left me a great sum of sadness to deal with and there's always a hole somewhere in me. And I'm never someone who forget so easily as I forgive, it's simply me, I'm not suppose to be sorry for that but I feel guilty for those who have to deal with my problematic attitudes.


Just so you know, I'm never good in dealing with dramas. Ironically, my life is pretty dramatic. It's so happened to me that to experience a friendship-breakup every single year I had in my high school years. Dramatic no. Yes if you're reading this, it's definitely ok to think that I'm the main source of the breakup, because that's what I thought too. And relationship with guys ain't going any better, all those puppy love, the longest-period crush, simply makes me think that they're just, something you'd to go through in life but you'd have your life move on even without their presence, plainly I still don't find someone special who can affect me like how my bestfriend did, I don't found heartbroken when I broke up with the guys though it was a short period of tough time, but I get over them too easily, not the crush darling by the way, he took me sometimes. I kinda stop finding or hoping, plainly I'm tired and they lit my hope and let me down, maybe they're uncertain as I am.

See, you can really say I'm one of the weirdest human alive on earth.


I've no idea why I'm writing this. After all this is my open diary. Maybe I was thinking it's a way to make me go to bed? Yes I hardly sleep early unless I'm dead tired with schools and stuff. Maybe I was thinking to let the world know, I don't wish to hold my anger and sadness any longer. Maybe I want everybody knows, I, seriously don't want to get through any dishonesty anymore, they simply break me. Thousands of maybe, but maybe you wouldn't care. This is a sentimental post. It creeps you out? Not what I intended. I don't even expect anyone to read this, if you spend time reading, I'm sure as hell you will read this line. 

' Thanks for reading even the font size is too cute to not to read' :)


There's a Chemistry tuition lesson tomorrow, it's best for me to get some sleeps before I starting to get some electrons spinning on my head and start attracting some elements. 

I'm not the optimist but I'm highly unlikely a pessimist because I'd have killed myself a billion times if I'm one.

So yea, I told myself to be appreciative on what I'm having now


Hmmmmm


Good morning to you, good night to myself, it's 3 in the morning


:)